It’s a great time to be a baseball fan and/or agoraphobe. With HD cameras, MLB.tv, and the endless content offered by our friend, The Internet, there is always something beckoning without ever needing to leave the couch. And this year, as in years past, viewers looking to supplement their watching experience could turn to Major League Baseball’s Postseason.TV, a service offering 10 different camera angles of hot baseball action, including behind home plate, from the dugout and, yes, from a blimp.
You could even watch four at the same time, if that’s what you’re into:
But if there’s one thing that humans want, it’s more. More options, more customization, more ways to consume media and condiments.
With that in mind, I implore TBS, Major League Baseball, and the computer engineers of the future to immediately begin work on these 10 new viewing options that will not only add value to the product, but will lead to greater peace and understanding on Earth.
The ball field may only be a small, almost imperceptible dot on the Earth’s surface, but the views of infinite, ever-reaching space will be breathtaking. As an added bonus, maybe you’ll see Sandra Bullock, off-station and forever hurtling through space.
Wondering if your favorite player is truly on a ‘hot’ streak? Now you’ll know for sure with special heat vision cameras. The orange-red blobs that streak across your screen will let you access information that you’ve never had before like, “Does Prince Fielder become molten hot lava when running around the bases?” and “Is our starting pitcher really suffering from a fever or did he just have too much to drink last night?”
Downton Abbey Cam
Select this option and the players will have their heads swapped with characters from Downton Abbey. You’ve never felt so much excitement as when the Dowager Countess legs out a two-run triple and screams towards the heavens.
Coming Soon: Mad Men, Sons of Anarchy, Cast of The Today Show
(image via Screen Used)
Is the in-game action simply too exciting for you? Is your heart unable to take the stress? Must you simply know how the game will end right now? With advanced computer modeling systems calculating the likelihood of future outcomes and Fairfield High School’s Advanced Shakespearean Study class acting them out, we’ll show you the game’s outcome with 74% accuracy.
Note: Image is only a mock-up. This is Deep Space Nine. Avery Brooks and any members of the Ferengi Alliance are not featured in Future Video Re-enactments.
Using TSA X-Ray technology, you’ll see the players as they are in the buff. Of course, for privacy reasons, they’ll appear as amorphous gray blobs, but you’ll know that underneath that human-like gray rendering is 100% USDA beefcake. All right!
Want to experience the game the way a fan in the stands would? We’ll choose one schmoe in halfway decent seats and attach a GoPro to his head. Will he text with friends? Will he get up for snacks during important at-bats? There’s the drama– you just don’t know!
Big Bang Theory View
We saw the tweets and we get it. You’re tired of baseball interrupting your reruns of the smash hit comedy, The Big Bang Theory. With this viewing mode selected, you’ll never have to miss a moment of Sheldon’s awkward wackiness or a single pitch of postseason action. Instead, you’ll get them smooshed together, the way nature intended.
Who’s Your Match?
If you’ve ever wondered if you and a professional ballplayer were meant to be, or fantasized about becoming best friends with your team’s shortstop, spending quiet weekends watching Tom Hanks’ romantic comedies, this is the option for you. Simply pair your online dating profile with your Postseason.TV account and you’ll instantly know if you’re a friend, foe, or doppelgänger from an alternate dimension such that, if you were ever in the same room together, it would cause the end of existence.
Just admit it. Your favorite part of the viewing experience was that little laser that showed you where the pitch was going. Now the entire screen will be lasers, flashing and dancing all night long. It’ll be like going to rave without ever having to put on pants.
Note: Those prone to seizures should not use this option.
Pop Up Video
While man and technology are forever pushing the envelope, giving us endlessly brighter tomorrows, occasionally great things are lost forever. Like the Lost City of Atlantis. Or Pop Up Video. Today, we finally rectify that.
There have always been three great sounds during a baseball game: the crack of the bat, the snap of the mitt, and the cheer of the crowd. After 150 years of play, be ready to add a fourth: that little ‘pop’ noise when a new factoid hits the screen.
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The baseball playoffs have been fun, sure, what with 1-0 shutouts and game-tying grand slams. But just imagine how much more fun they would be if we could watch them and The Big Bang Theory at the same time? That’s the future our parents always promised us. That’s the future I believe in.
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