Sit down, sit down. Hey could, you sign this? “To Chip.” Thanks. Wait’ll my boy sees this.
So anyway, we’re putting together a panel of really likeable, role model vets and other random reporters, and we think we’ve got a slot for you. But the resume has a few red flags, Randy. (Although, I frankly don’t see a huge problem. This could just be a formality.)
Let’s see…fired by your first boss, Bobby Bowden, for a failed drug test? Isn’t this “drug” now legal in several states? And this Bowden fellow — how’d it turn out for him in the end? And at Marshall, I guess people have forgotten that you brought some closure to that plane crash deal when you said, “I went up there and looked at the names. It was a tragedy, but it really wasn’t nothing big.”
Then, seven years in Minny, including the coolest Afro in the history of sports. Wild! Hey did you ever see the Funkadelics? No? Great band. Now: that speed bump in 2002. (Get it? Speed bump?) Says you were trying to make an illegal turn when your Lexus knocked down a cop, with weed in your ashtray. Poor judgment there, Randy, but you’ll have plenty of time to think a little more carefully while Jay Glazer yatters into the lights.
The Moon Over Green Bay? Tell me the Packer fans didn’t have it coming, like they didn’t do it for real at other teams’ busses. Get over your bad selves. And speaking of moons, I also see here that you said during your career you might have smoked this cannabis “every blue moon.” I assume you were talking it was a medicinal religious ritual involving the lunar cycle. And we are nothing if not tolerant of all religious beliefs.
From a former boss in Oakland: “…lacked the work ethic.” As if anyone could get it up in a stadium that should have been nuked from orbit a decade ago. You turned it on in Foxborough, though, didn’t you? And who did those two Panther defenders think they were to accuse you of giving up on some pass routes in 2009? “Shut it down,” huh? Yeah, Carolina, you guys really picked it up that season with an 8-8 record.
I think that’s it, except for that absurd thing in 2010 about how you said you wouldn’t feed a certain catered meal “to your dog.” Hell, Randy. I assume you love your dog. We all do. And in this day and age, with processed foods and pesticides, who wouldn’t worry? Hey, dogs are people, too, right?
Here’s the bottom line you’re about to sign: Any stats freak with a laptop and too much time on his hands can get a gig in the wasteland out there. We aim to be the real face of a man’s sport. Anyone can teach football — but you can’t teach the three C’s: charisma, character, and credibility.
Here you go, then…sign there … and there. Great! We’re going to be a team here, and, now we’ve got the ultimate team player, right?